Overcoming the Fear of Failure

We are in this community to heal and grow and share and create and prosper and just live our truth and live our soul expression. This is so important to me because in order for us to live and embody the thing that we desire, we have to be willing to do the inner work. And so oftentimes, the women who come to me are coming because they've had undesirable experiences where they haven't had the results that they wanted, because they've been focused on the results with other coaches, whether it's money or business or relationships, but focusing on that external thing and not being willing to do the inner work or not being guided or supported to even do so.

And I believe, and I know to be true and have many, many successful celebrations to share with you around, that the inner work creates the outer results. It might take a little longer, but it creates sustainable, more fulfilling results in your life. Whatever it is that you're seeking begins with you. And some of it is uncomfortable and some of it is messy, but it's okay. It's okay if you're supported. It's about remembering your worth, how lovable you are, your gifts, your talents, and learning to live your life and lead your life from those gifts. Not the wounds that have created your scarcity or your lack of trust keeping you from healthy relationships or your extreme independence even.

So, this week I want to invite you to join me in conversation about overcoming failure, because it's a part of the human experience. I don't know anybody who hasn't had a failure in their life. Well, I mean, at least an adult, right?

We're going to talk about what are the steps to do this if you're feeling this in this moment.

I know that there are several women who have had some trauma and grief and loss around pregnancy, and yet when we're younger, we get this idea that it's easy and magical. I thought, it's no big deal.

You just have a baby and just become a mom. Everybody does, right? But a lot of us struggle with infertility, miscarriages, premature births, life threatening experiences. So we all have moments in our life where we feel like we have failed, and it sometimes feels like trauma.

And I want to invite you to believe or choose that there's no failure. There's just growth. What it helps us do is get very clear on what we don't want. I look at it as the opportunity to grow and to change and to just choose differently.We all make mistakes. We've made mistakes of trusting the wrong people. Sometimes that is in a marriage. For me, it was in a business partnership. It was a mistake, an expensive mistake.

Maybe it's a boss. You know, we all had those experiences where we've just made a wrong turn temporarily. And what it's doing is showing us what we don't want in those moments. I believe those moments of adversity and overcoming challenges are the moments that we learn about ourselves. Those are the moments of the invitation to trust. So when we feel this way, it's just important to acknowledge it. And the more that we practice this, the easier it gets.

But the first step in all of this is just to become aware of it. Just be aware that you're having this sensation of something's not enough, I did something wrong. However it lands for you, it wasn't enough.

Why do I always make the same mistake?

Why do I always do everything wrong?

Why are things so difficult for me?

And just become aware of it. Once you become aware of it, the first response for most of us is to either project and blame somewhere else. So we can project our own fear, say, example, for a need of safety onto someone else by controlling them, you know, specifically as a parent. Or we can avoid it.

That's another really great one. Just walk away from it. I can't deal with this right now. Those are probably two major ways that it shows up. Once you become aware of it, notice your subconscious habitual self wanting to respond in a healthy way, and then choose to respond in a healthy way by just acknowledging yourself in that moment, just taking a deep breath and just accepting it, just becoming aware.

Even if you don't have a name for it, be aware. I'm aware that I don't feel like I'm enough. I'm aware that I feel like I'm failing. I did something wrong. And recognize that this feeling, like all feelings, is temporary. That's what emotion is, energy in motion. It's temporary. And ask yourself, how can I learn or grow from this? How can I change this? Acknowledge what it is that maybe you need at that moment. 

So ask yourself what it is that you need. And once you figure that out, make a request around it. Sometimes the request is just for ourselves. Like, I just need some space. And then be willing to give yourself permission to just have the space. Maybe that's all you need at the moment. Maybe you need support. Maybe you just need a hug. But what do you need at that moment, knowing that it's all temporary? Acknowledging how you feel in the moment.

Being curious about what it is that you actually need, that's creating this response of the fear of failure, because you're still looking at it as a failure. And I'm inviting you to be okay with that. Have compassion for it. And also recognize that it's also just an opportunity to grow and do differently. Remember that it's giving you clarity around what you don't want to do next time. Because failure doesn't feel good for anybody when things don't turn out the way we want them to. It doesn't. For some people, it might last a second. Some of us can very easily say, “Okay, now I'm going to rise up and do something different.”

But for the majority of people, it kind of feels like a kick in the stomach or maybe it hurts the heart. It usually doesn't feel good. And then find a way to move through it. I personally love to journal around it and maybe an affirmation. Maybe go for a run and find a way to look at the experience in a positive way, and then create. Invite yourself to create a belief around it that's empowering so that you're willing to move forward, because that's really the way that we transmute this.

We don't stay stuck in it. It's that whole idea of making decisions on who you're becoming, not who you've been. You are not your failures. You are also not your successes. Recognizing the experience where you felt like things didn't go the way you wanted them to, recognizing the need that was underneath giving yourself permission to make a request and then choosing an empowering way to look at this experience and saying to yourself, 

“I recognize that this didn't go the way I wanted it to.”

“What I would have liked to have turned out differently is this.”

“What I needed was this.”

“What I would like is this.”

“Here's the request.”

“What I choose to believe moving forward is this.”

And writing it down.

But for me, as painful as parts of it were, it helped me to get really clear on the following:

Number one - owning my worth and owning my value and creating and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Number two - not trusting in somebody who isn't trustworthy and not trusting in somebody more than myself, because that was the piece that I didn't listen to and just getting super clear about how I want to move forward.

I'm not avoiding the idea that there wasn't some type of “failure” around it, but what did I learn and how did I grow? Well, we learn and grow a lot more when we lose or fail than we do when we win.

When we get comfortable because things are going well, we just get too comfortable. And it's nice to have that every once in a while, but we really grow from the things that don't go well because we get super clear in what we want and what we don't want. So that's a positive way of looking at it.

And then the most important piece of this is to have compassion for yourself. Have compassion for the people that were involved in the experience, forgiveness, but most importantly, self compassion and self forgiveness.

And just know that you are always doing the best you can do with the resources that are available to you. Even if you feel stuck, maybe you just need to be stuck in that moment. But if you realize that it's happening over and over and over again and you're frustrated with it, then ask for support and ask yourself, how am I not allowing myself to be supported in growth?

I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to hear just share some of your failures or challenges. Failure is such a heavy word. So let's just say the growth and the challenges that you've overcome and what you've learned and how you grew.

P.S.

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Jen Mons is an author, speaker, mentor and coach for high achieving purpose driven ready to shift the paradigm of feminine leadership and redefine excellence and wealth through 5 Element Wellth, Prosperity, Journaling and Soul Wisdom Imprinting.