Belonging vs Fitting In

I want to share with you the idea of belonging versus fitting in because it was really coming to me through my children. Many things do. And I want to just begin by sharing a quote from the book by Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness. It says, “stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don't belong. You will always find it because you've made that your mission. Stop scouring people's faces for evidence that you're not enough. You will always find it because you've made that your goal. True belonging and self worth are not goods. We don't negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.” Just breathe that in for a moment. That's from the book, braving the wilderness, the quest for true belonging, and the courage to stand alone by Brene Brown.

So belonging versus fitting in. Why is this important? Why does it matter? Because so often in our lives, from a very young age, we are conditioned to think that we're supposed to fit in. And so that creates habits such as people pleasing and being unauthentic to our true self. Because we want to fit in with a tribe. Of course we want to fit in with a tribe. That's what animals do in nature. You see schools of fish, packs of wolves, a herd of sheep. Of course we want to fit in. And it starts from a really young age. Maybe because we were praised, maybe because we were getting something that we needed by fitting in. Maybe because it was. It felt difficult to be rejected or to be different.

One of the things I love to say to my girls is don't try to fit in when you were born to stand out. And I'm not talking just to my daughters. I'm talking to every single little girl, little child, big girl, big child, big boy on the planet. Stop trying to fit in. Every individual was born to shine and to share their own gifts. And maybe at some age, somebody shut you down. Maybe you experienced rejection. Maybe you felt abandoned. Maybe somebody told you, you act like you're better than everybody and it hurts. Maybe there was something you were really good at as a child and it intimidated other people and you felt alone. Maybe it's still happening as an adult. The difference between belonging and fitting in is that belonging is internal. It's an inside job.

When you know your belonging, when you know your birth rate to be here, you don't look for external validation. And just as Brene Brown says, the way that we're feeling, we have created evidence that supports our beliefs. Because sometimes that makes us feel like we fit in more. How often do women come together and self sabotage their body images or relationships because of fear of being rejected for the things that they love about themselves. Let's rewrite that, ladies. Let's decide right now that we're willing to rewrite that script. If not for ourselves, for our daughters, for the future.

Why are we playing small? How often do you play small to fit in? If you're listening to the show, the chances are that you have done that. When are you going to decide that you're ready to fully own yourself in your forties, fifties, sixties, nineties? Why are we waiting? If somebody rejects you and can't handle your light or your truth, that's not about you. Belonging is a sense of knowing. It's being so sovereign in your knowing, in your truth, that you have nothing to prove. And if you have nothing to prove, you have no need to fit in. And you get to decide, is this in alignment with me? Is this in alignment with my truth?

Perhaps the most humbling experience that many of us have participated in is parenting. And as difficult as it is to hear, I'm so grateful when my children both reflect back to me that when I'm asking them not to do something, they're doing it because they learned it from me. That's like, oh, man. Yeah, really? And also when they stand up to me and tell me that, that they're their own person, that that's you. That's not me. I'm my own person. You can't tell me how to feel. And from a very early age, we learned that two things we cannot make children do is eat and go to the bathroom. For my young parents who are potty training or trying to get their kids to eat healthy, you just can't force those two things. And that's just the beginning. I mean, really, truly, you know, they just are who they are. We just get to guide and facilitate their journey and hopefully pass on more wisdom and gifts than we do pain and hurt. But it's all part of the journey. It's navigating all of that. We're all in this together. We're all just trying to figure it out. And most importantly, holding that container and that space for your children to be who they are.

If there's one gift that you can give a child or a friend or a loved one or a parent, anybody, a client. It's to accept people for who they are and to love them unconditionally. And so the question is, do you do this with yourself? That's what belonging is. Do you fully accept, embody, and embrace yourself in your wholeness for who you are? For the mistakes that you've made, for the gifts that you have, for the talents that you have, for the courage that you have, or for the courage that you don't have sometimes. For giving your power away, for trying to control things, for showing up in your truth, for showing up in somebody else's truth, for working really hard to achieve something and feeling like it wasn't enough? Or for being seen in something that comes easily to you. How often are you fully embracing and embodying the wholeness of who you are? In acceptance? There's no greater inner power than knowing your own truth, even if it makes you wrong.

It's more important to be truthful and loyal and happy and peaceful than it is to be right. Being right doesn't do anything except serve your ego. How many of you do this in parenting or at work? Has this need to control and project and believe that you have information that can help people? Well, you can have all the information you want to help people, but they may not be ready to receive it. That's okay.

So belonging versus fitting in is about owning your own worth, owning your own truth. All of it. I'm talking about all of it. I'm talking about the shadow. I'm talking about the judgments, the parts that you don't like. Because if you're not owning that, you're projecting it onto other people. And you probably don't want to hear this, but it's true. You may be projecting it onto your children, people at work, other women gossiping, maybe in ways that you don't know, social media, maybe just in your own mind, but it's. But you're not sharing it outwardly.

If you're rejecting other people, what part of yourself are you rejecting? If you feel abandoned, what part of you are you abandoning? If you don't trust others, which truth are you not showing up in? If you feel betrayed, have you betrayed yourself in some way? If you feel hopeless, what part of you do you not have faith in? Always bringing it back and reflecting belonging is knowing your own sovereignty. This is who I am. I got this. I don't need to fit in, have the courage to stand alone. Your circle might be smaller. It's okay. It's going to be filled with more quality relationships. And the truth is, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. There's a lot of false light and deceit in the world. A lot of it. And social media has just amplified all of that. 

In my industry alone as a well being coach, life and health coach, spiritually focused. There are many people not showing up fully in their truth, and they're more influencers than there are really healers or coaches. There are broken promises. But if you are sovereign in your knowing, if you know your belonging, your right to be here, if you know every single day that no matter what, you are never alone. You are always connected. You are connected to God, your source creator. If you know that nothing, nothing can stop you. You're unshakable no matter what happens, through the grief, through the pain, through the fear, through the mistakes. It's knowing, it's a feeling. It's a state of being. No one can teach you that. No one can give you that. You have to decide and choose. You get to choose your experience every single day. So stop trying to fit in. Stop trying to fit in with who you think you want to be, who you think you're supposed to be. Stop trying to fit in because you're trying to heal something or prove something.

True belonging is showing up as you are. And even if you're fully rejected by everybody, still loving yourself through it all, that's true belonging. It gives you freedom to have that sovereignty, that authority over your experience, your body, your truth. There's really no words for it because it is just the truth. No one can teach you that. You have to choose it. So stop trying to fit in when you were born to shine. Stop seeking validation outside of yourself. Validation is different from support. You know, maybe you need a little help, maybe you need a little support to really remember who you are, to have the courage to do that next thing in your life. Bring in a new loved one. Leave a toxic relationship, leave your toxic job. It takes support and courage to do those things.

Overcome some type of illness that you're experiencing or navigating grief or loss. That's different from validation. Validation has attachment. It's like trying to put a bandaid over a wound. Validation is trying to put a bandaid over a wound because you're still seeking validation outside of yourself. How many times have you been in an experience that you felt unjust and immediately felt like you needed to connect with people to validate your experience? This happens a lot. It still happens as adults. It's something that we do naturally, most of us, until we've learned to practice that you are the truth. That's your belonging. You are never separate. Own who you are. Own your light, own your shadow. Own yourself completely. And look in the mirror and witness you. Witness your experience. Remember that person. Remember that child of God. Wake up every day remembering who you are connecting with, how you want to show up and set the intention to do that, with the acceptance and grace that some days are easier than others. Some days you just want to quit and throw your hands up and be angry. And that's okay.

True belonging is knowing. Knowing with every breath, with every cell in your body, that you have a right to be here, that you are loved because you've given that to yourself. You love yourself enough. You appreciate yourself enough as a gift to the world that God created for a purpose. Just simply your existence, your existence alone is enough. That's it. Every person matters. Every person matters. You matter. Your dreams matter. Your life matters. And so with that, my friends, my invitation is for you to get super clear on how you want to show up right here, right now and start journaling about it. If there's things you don't like in your life, if you're looking for someone to save you, if you're looking for someone to create change, then you're gonna be running the hamster wheel. 

People can support you, but you have to choose and decide, and there are techniques and tools that can help guide you to get you there. And sometimes it takes support because it's not easy. It takes a lot of courage. And so it's just the invitation to reflect on the things that didn't work out in our lives, the relationships, the job opportunities, and really knowing that it worked out the way that it was supposed to. That every experience has just been an imitation for us to just navigate and come home to our truth. Sometimes we make wrong turns, and that's okay. We can learn from those. Sometimes we're on the right path, and we don't even know it. It just takes longer than we think. But coming full circle. 

The invitation today is to just honor and recognize that if you're struggling with competition, with projection, with hurt, betrayal, abandonment, rejection, mistrust, grief, all of those things, if you're struggling with those things, the invitation is to look within yourself and just ask yourself, where have I experienced this within myself? Because when we experience these things. We often look for validation outside of ourselves. And then because we feel alone, we try to find a way to fit in. My invitation for you is to know yourself, know your belonging, know your worth. Embody it, stand in it and know it so much that it's not separate from you. You don't even have to really talk about it because you are that thing. And all of those experiences that are going to come into your life, they can just kind of tap on your little light bubble for a second, and then they can fall away because you're no longer seeking those experiences that validate your limiting beliefs. That's exactly what Brene said. We believe we're not worthy because we seek those experiences that validate that belief. 

Why are we playing small? This is.  This is your life. I'm inviting you now. Stop making excuses. Stop telling yourself you don't have the money, you don't have the time, you're not worthy, you don't have support. Stop telling yourself that, because it's not true. Because if you really look deeply within yourself, you have everything you need. You just have to choose. It might not be available to you right now, but you can choose to take the next small step. Just that next small step. And it starts with knowing and owning your sense of worth and embodying it so deeply you have nothing to prove. You don't need approval. You don't need validation, you don't need to fit in. Because when you love and own your worth, you give permission to others to see that within you. When you play small, people see you as small. They don't see your value. If you don't see your value, how can other people see your value?

Most importantly, be happy for others when they are in theirs. Be happy for your sisters that are winning. Be happy for people who are winning at life. Be happy for those people. Because if they're winning at life, they're not projecting painful things onto other people. And the world needs a lot more of that. So celebrate. Celebrate the people around you who are owning themselves, owning their worth, not trying to fit in, shining authentically, doing brave things, having the courage, being vulnerable and just do you.

I hope that I've inspired you to ignite or spark some type of intention or confidence or courage to create one small change in your life today. Or at least ask yourself, what do I even want? Because so many times we are asked this, or we can be. At least I know. I've asked my clients and they don't know because they've never thought about it. Too busy putting everybody else first. So if you're one of those people, start asking yourself, all we have is today. Go and live your best life today.

Let's walk together as individuals forward in the world, helping to make the world a better place in our own sovereign individuality while supporting one another. Belonging, allowing people to be who they are and standing in your own truth. That's it. There's nothing more beautiful than that. And if. If you have the invitation to join a circle that allows you, gives you that permission, it just might be the thing that gives you the freedom and the peace and the courage that you need to create change in your life, whatever that may be for you.

P.S.

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Jen Mons is an author, speaker, mentor and coach for high achieving purpose driven ready to shift the paradigm of feminine leadership and redefine excellence and wealth through 5 Element Wellth, Prosperity, Journaling and Soul Wisdom Imprinting.