The Toxic Cycle of People Pleasing

Are you feeling overwhelmed, burned out? Exhausted? And if you had to be honest with yourself, maybe a sense of resentment, frustration, or anger underneath the surface? Have you ever asked yourself or noticed or maybe been curious if some of this shows up for being a people pleaser?

We're going to talk about signs that you might be a people pleaser, where this might have come from, what limiting belief or hidden subconscious belief you might not. Or maybe you are aware that you fear what will happen if you don't show up as a people pleaser, and why you want to take steps to walk on a path of not pleasing people, how you can do that and questions you can ask yourself.

Now, everything we talk about today, keep in mind, it's my opinion, based on my experience, the women I have worked with who have allowed me to share what has come up for them, what has come up in our group circles, what has come up in my own personal life as I navigate relationships, friendships, partnerships, parenting, marriage, the whole thing, our relationship with our, with our own parents, our siblings.

In general, when we think of people pleasers, we think of a person who is always trying to make other people happy, or maybe a person who tries to avoid conflict. If we had to make this very black and white, we could say there's basically two types of people in the world. There's the givers and the takers. And the people pleasers often show up as the givers, taking care of other people. If you're familiar with the enneagrams, you may be an enneagram too, the helper. You may be a healer or somebody whose job or profession is to help people. And maybe it's one of the ways that you navigate your needs for being a people pleaser.

In general, what we normally see is a person who's trying to make other people happy, maybe complimenting people all of the time, maybe it's too much. Somebody who really doesn't like difficult conversations, avoids conflict or difficult conversations, maybe has a hard time speaking their truth or creating boundaries. So I'm going to list a couple of things that in my opinion, in my experience, are common with people pleasers. And there are a lot of resources around this. The purpose of this conversation today is really to just really listen to your body and just notice if any of this resonates for you. And to become curious about how you're showing up in your life, if you're uncomfortable and maybe just taking the next small step and seeking some support around this. 

A people pleaser might be somebody who apologizes too much. Like you might find yourself being the person who, if there is conflict, if you're not avoiding it, or if you can't avoid it, you're the person who's apologizing just to. Just to end the conflict. You may not even know why you're apologizing. And honestly, sometimes your apologies may not even be authentic because maybe you're apologizing to avoid conflict. But if you find yourself being the person who's always apologizing, I just want to invite you to notice and just take a deep breath and just ask yourself, like, these are the opportunities. Ask yourself like, am I over compromising my beliefs or my values? Am I apologizing just to end conflict? Is this apology sincere? Do I really feel like I did something wrong? And do I always feel like I'm always wrong? Because that's another kind of indicator, maybe your apology is sincere, and maybe you're taking responsibility too much for conflict.

When things appear to be “wrong in any way”, you might be a fixer, someone who's always trying to help and fix the situation, or maybe even other people, maybe your children, maybe your parents. And so, although our intention is probably always good, this can also create unhealthy relationships. Some people can respond or react to this in a very negative way. They may feel like there's nothing broken. They don't need to be fixed. They may feel like you're creating judgment on them. They may totally resist any of your advice or help or support, and you may feel exhausted always trying to help other people fix relationships. Maybe you have two friends who are navigating conflict, and you're the peacemaker all the time. Maybe you find yourself trying to prevent your spouse or your partner from getting upset with your children because of something that your children did. There's all kinds of different ways that this can show up. Maybe there's a financial struggle in your home, and you're doing things to try and keep it in balance or hide it. Maybe you're just always that person who's volunteering for things. Maybe you're over volunteering your time. Maybe you're the fixer. Maybe you're a people pleaser and you aren't totally aware of it.

Another way this can show up is that you're really sensitive, very sensitive to what people think or say about you, or sensitive to what people think or say in general, because you can relate. So this is often an empath, and empaths often are people pleasers. This is the shadow of the empath, is the deep need for connection or to be seen. So if you know that you are sensitive, you are an empath, ask yourself, like, do I have the behaviors and reactions of a people pleaser? Am I a person who avoids conflict? That would be another indicator that you might be a people pleaser. You just don't want to have conflict with your spouse, with your kids, with your parents, with parent teacher conferences, sticking up for your kid in some way, maybe even with a friend. It can show up in so many ways.

If you're a coach or an entrepreneur, just in the exchange of energy, of payments, like maybe somebody's credit card stopped working and you just don't want to say anything, you want to keep the peace. I don't recommend that because everything's an exchange of energy, and I have witnessed this in some of my clients before. It's this sort of struggle with letting people know, you owe me for this, and I highly recommend contracts for that. You might be a people pleaser if you experience a lot of anxiety. And if you have anxiety, you might be in your thoughts a lot about what people think or say or what I did wrong. You might be a person who is reliving experiences over and over again, trying to figure out what you did wrong or what you can do to fix something. You might be able to relate with that. And so if your digestion is off, if you have a hard time sleeping, I mean, if you're really suffering from severe anxiety, you likely need professional support. It's going to affect your whole solar plexus area. You might have knots in your stomach, you might feel nauseous a lot, you may self sabotage by overeating or under-eating, and you might just be really low in energy.

If you're a people pleaser, you probably care too much about what other people think. And in this day and age with social media, maybe you've even spoken your truth a time or two on social media and there was some backlash and that made you super uncomfortable. Maybe you don't openly share things or maybe you don't openly share things with anybody in your life because you're afraid of conflict and you fear too much what people think. If you find yourself being the giver and not the taker, like always over giving. And here's the key here, not receiving because there are givers and takers but as people pleasers. Sometimes we don't even let ourselves receive because we don't want to take. When you have the right to receive and be in healthy relationships in both give and take, which is what we're going to get into because that's where we really want to be, is in that balance of giving and receiving. That's what we're seeking in relationships. 

If it's hard for you to say no, if it's hard for you to speak your truth, if it's hard for you to be seen in your truth because of fear of judgment, fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection and abandonment, those are really the top four fears that really come up for people pleasers. And this usually has something to do with your childhood. A lot of things do. And some of you are probably parents right now and just thinking, “oh my gosh, I see that my children are people pleasers. Like, how did I contribute to that?” It happens. This is where we just have compassion for ourselves and we get to choose differently. Like we get to walk this journey with them.

The last indicator and there are more for sure, but these are just kind of the ones that came up for me and this was actually mine is a fear of being selfish, a fear of appearing to be self centered, selfish. This is a lot of the women that I work with, overachievers, perfectionists and have achieved a lot of degree certifications. They look like they got it all together on the outside, but they're feeling unfulfilled on the inside. And a lot of that is maybe because you're a people pleaser, because you've been doing everything your whole life to seek approval from other people and you're realizing that that is not your truth. That's not actually how you want to show up anymore. And maybe your high achievements and achieving all of that was even to gain recognition from one of your parents. Maybe you subconsciously believe that that's how you received love. There's so many things under the surface, but when we can finally kind of understand it and without blaming anybody, because we're all here in co creation, we're all learning, we're all making mistakes, but when we can really uncover where that might have come from, we can just have compassion for ourselves. 

It comes from a fear of rejection or abandonment or a fear of not being good enough if we're not that way or not being lovable. And the reason that we really want to break this cycle, that's really what this is about, is first identifying if you're a people pleaser and then saying, okay, so I know that I have people pleasing tendencies, and you may only have one of these, and you're gonna start attracting the takers. You're gonna start attracting toxic relationships, and it might happen over and over and over again until it really feels like a kick in the stomach and it feels like betrayal, because it's actually self betrayal because you were giving your power away to somebody else in order to be liked by them or to feel special by them. And so we attract these people who are the takers. Now, an extreme end of a taker would be a narcissist. This is why you really want to break this cycle, because you've probably already noticed, you may even have somebody in your life right now that feels really, really good right now. But maybe there's some red flags. Maybe it's a little off. Maybe you're super exhausted when you're around this person.

You're a people pleaser because you're giving to others. And this isn't every people pleaser, but a very unhealthy people pleaser under the surface. And just notice how this lands and shows up for you. But subconsciously can be people pleasing for a subconscious need to control a situation. This isn't most of us, but it can be some of us. If we're feeling really tired, these would be the people that are, like, kind of keeping tabs. Like, so a person like that might say something like, you know, after all I've done for you, like, we might even say this to our children, right? Like, after all I've done for you, or, well, I did this for you. And if you notice yourself saying that, then be very curious about your level of people pleasing, because that's a deeper level of people pleasing. And get super curious about what is the need underneath that? Because really, really deep under the surface, like, okay, maybe we have a need to be loved and appreciated. That's pretty normal. But under that, is there a need to control something? Are you giving because you expect something in return?

So let's talk about why it's important to stop people pleasing because you're going to attract these toxic relationships. You're a person who seeks validation. You're a person who needs healthy boundaries. You want to feel loved, you want to feel special, you want to feel appreciated. You become a very easy target for somebody who is a taker, an energy vampire who lacks compassion and empathy, even if they appear to have it on the outside. These people, it's an energy exchange, right? It's kind of the way it's the take, the give and the take. It's an energy exchange. So you start to project that energy outward because your energy field isn't tight and in truth, because you're not self sufficient. There's a part of your wound itself out of your fear of rejection or abandonment that might be seeking some validation. You might attract somebody who's going to give you validation. They might even love bomb you. Like on a really kind of extreme case, you might attract a narcissist. And this can be in a romantic relationship or a friendship or a business partnership, but you might attract a person who they may not even know, because oftentimes they have their own unhealthy self that's coming out, but they are going to give you the validation that you're seeking in order to serve them. And at the same time, it's feeling good to you because subconsciously, you're seeking that validation and you're somebody who probably wants to be seen or heard or feel special. And so you over give or you overdo to be that person, and someone gives you the opportunity to do that. Somebody who has another agenda, who's looking for a person to support them in some way is going to come and maybe take advantage of that situation because a people pleaser has an unhealthy subconscious need for validation and approval. Maybe it came through in a relationship with some type of authority in your childhood. It could have been your parents, it could have been a teacher, a coach, anybody. But at some point in time, somebody in a position of authority. If you are a people pleaser, likely this isn't everybody. This is just my opinion and from all of the research that I have done on this and the coaches that I have worked with, that this comes through from some experience in childhood where we're seeking validation, love and approval from a position of authority when we're very, very young. And so we can attract people who love authority, who love to control things, who make promises to you, and then all of a sudden you feel special and you give and they take and then, you know, maybe they even drop you like it was nothing. Or you end up burned out, overwhelmed and exhausted.

So, reasons you want to stop, the biggest ones that come through for me with my experience and mind, body, health and wellness coaching, life coaching, emotional empowerment, is because it's not good for your well being. 

What happens is a lot of people pleasers suppress their emotions. When you suppress your emotions, they can show up in your body and create energetic stagnation. And the places that it most often shows up is your solar plexus, anxiety in the gut, resentment in the gallbladder, anger and frustration in the liver. And you may even have digestive issues. You may not have healthy bowel movements, you may have a lot of food sensitivities. You might have a gut that doesn't absorb. You might not be able to gain weight or you might be gaining too much weight because of the stress, because of the cortisol. It could all be related just to this, or this could be part of it, not just the food you eat. That's why nutrition alone can't heal or cure anything. It's your emotional relationship to food. And then energetically, how well you absorb the nutrients and utilizing them has a lot to do with the state of your nervous system. So you want to do this because being a people pleaser is not good for your well being.

Number two, you're going to feel unfulfilled in your life, in your relationships, in your marriage and your friendships with your kids, with your work, with money. Nothing's ever going to be enough because you're over giving and you're not receiving. And even if you have wonderful people in your life, you're still going to feel unfulfilled. So this is why you want to navigate your relationship with people pleasing and be in healthy, balanced relationships.

Number three, you're going to burn out. You're going to burn out, you're going to be exhausted, you're going to feel overwhelmed. And let's just be honest, like, are you really showing up in your life if you're exhausted, burned out and overwhelmed all the time? Are you being present? Are you being present in those relationships? Are you enjoying the moment? Or are you just waking up every day in survival mode and asking yourself, like, how do you really want this next chapter of your life to be? Do you want to continue in the cycle of overwhelm, self sabotage, exhaustion? Or do you want to start enjoying the time that you have left with your parents, your children? Do you want to step into a career and a job that you love? Do you even know what your dreams and goals are for your life? So many times when I meet with women in an initial connection call, they don't even know what they want their life to look like. That's a sign that you are exhausted and overwhelmed.

Number four, you don't know your dreams and goals because you're stuck in that cycle. You're in survivor strategy. Survivor cycle. You don't know. You can't even see beyond the confusion. You're in a spinning cycle of day to day overwhelm and burnout and exhaustion. You're just trying to get through breakfast and the workday and dinner and you crash out at night. Is that really how you want to live your life? It's time to get clear on the areas that are not fulfilled in your life because you're out of alignment and the areas of your life that you're not fulfilled because you're in a cycle of overwhelm. So there are areas of your life where you're not happy because it's out of alignment with you. But you don't know this because you haven't taken the time to navigate what is in alignment for you because you're too overwhelmed.

Another reason that you want to stop being a people pleaser is because you're emotionally disconnected from yourself and your truth. You don't even know your needs and your feelings. So needs and feelings, goals, and dreams are all different. You've likely created a pattern of kind of shutting down and suppressing your emotions. And so this means that you probably are missing out on having deep, loving relationships with the people that you love. Because if you're not allowing yourself to experience the whole range of emotions, you're probably not allowing yourself to experience the depth of true love, intimacy in relationships. And this is heartbreaking. We don't give ourselves permission to say the things we want to say to show up in the way that we want to every single day with our parents, our spouse, our children, our loved ones because you're emotionally disconnected. You don't even give yourself time to feel the feelings. Sometimes we get to feel the heal. I'm sure you've all heard that.

So I've given you some signs that you might be a people pleaser. We've talked about why you will attract toxic relationships, why you want to stop being a people pleaser. Well, I want to say one thing about overcoming conflict, actually, because I think that's a big one for people, too. I want to invite you to think of conflict as growth. There's some tools that I love that we practice and navigate in our North Star collective group coaching circle. And it's part of the coaching program. 

So people pleaser, again, are going to ask for help. Asking somebody, would you be willing to do this? Because the golden bow on all of this is the whole reason you want to stop pleasing people, is because you matter. Your needs matter, your feelings matter, your requests, your dreams, your goals, all of those things matter. And when you are super clear in that, when you stand in that truth and you're protected, you no longer attract those toxic relationships. Or if you do, they kind of roll off you. They kind of bounce off you. You no longer choose to self sabotage through unhealthy eating habits, or overly excessively drinking, or avoidance, or over shopping, or any of those unhealthy addictive patterns that can show up because you know who you are.

You have said, you have found how to not be a people pleaser, how to live in alignment with what's true for you, what matters for you. And when you do this, relationships, they feel healthier. They are more in balance of giving and receiving. And you're speaking up in your truth, in relationships, you're able to communicate with how you're feeling, what doesn't feel good, and what you need. And you can do this in a way that is well received by other people, even the most offensive people. 

I invite you to be curious about your self worth. Make time for your self care, because that's the golden nugget. That's sort of the north star. That's where we're moving towards to get out of and break this cycle of people pleasing. 

So if something here has resonated with you, how can you get help? Well, there are people that can help you to identify what is the subconscious belief that is creating this pattern of people pleasing. What is the need underneath? A counselor, a coach, a therapist can help you to identify this, help you get clear on your dreams and your goals that maybe you've never even made the time to do.

You get to discover all of those, what matters most to you, what are your values? And you get to live your life from a place of, is this in alignment with me and my values or not? Because if it's not, then it's a no. You start to learn how to create healthy boundaries, and the first time you do, it's going to feel really good. And it's not from a place of fear or hate. This is the difference. This isn't creating a boundary out of rejection, this is creating a boundary out of love. Love for that person and for yourself, because it creates a healthy relationship.

If you find yourself being a person who has to over explain why you're saying no, you're a people pleaser, you don't have to have a reason, you can just say no, you do not have to explain yourself. You can create healthy boundaries in a loving way. And one of the things that I started out saying was, I'm sorry, I'm not available. My time is committed because I always felt in the very beginning, like, I had to give people a reason, and you don't have to. The minute you find yourself having to explain yourself, something's out of alignment in that relationship. So seek a counselor, coach, therapist. Discover your needs, feelings, goals, and dreams and take action on them. One small step. Just one. One small step. Create healthy boundaries in relationships. No explanation needed. Ask for help. I love the words, would you be willing to because then it really gives people the opportunity to choose. Would you be willing to not? Because, we can, but, you know, maybe we don't want to, but would you be willing to. You're inviting the person to co create the experience with you.

And lastly, create mutually supportive relationships. If you're feeling exhausted in a particular relationship, it's not just that other person. It's also ask yourself, how am I showing up in this relationship that's contributing to that? Sometimes it's easy to be like, oh, I'm so exhausted around that person because all they do is talk and dump their stuff on me. Well, are you speaking up about that? Are you creating a boundary? Like, just letting them know that it doesn't feel good to hear some of those things or that maybe you've got a lot going on and you just don't have the capacity or the space at this time, but you're their friend and you're sending them love. This is really hard to do with friendships or with spouses. You might do it with your children. 

It's every relationship, every conversation is an opportunity for us to practice. We get to practice those boundaries. There's internal boundaries where we don't allow ourselves to be consumed by other people's needs, and then there's the external boundary where we actually step out and just say something.

This is kind of a little bit up and down. Like all of the journeys that we're working through, we're going to notice different layers, we're going to notice different things. We're going to think, oh yeah, finally, like I broke that cycle and then it might come up in a different relationship in a different way and you just seek support and you just move through it and every time you do, it gets easier. 

I'm going to invite and encourage you not to avoid it because if you go through it, you can break it and diffuse the energy and actually start showing up the way you want to start showing up for yourself in your relationships, in your life, with money and work and food and nutrition and love and marriage and kids and all the things.

P.S.

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Jen Mons is an author, speaker, mentor and coach for high achieving purpose driven ready to shift the paradigm of feminine leadership and redefine excellence and wealth through 5 Element Wellth, Prosperity, Journaling and Soul Wisdom Imprinting.